Gordon on Half Life 2: Episode Two

[Ombrenuit]

This is a rant, but I have to get it out.

 

So I've played through Half Life 2. Enjoyed it. Actually I enjoyed it a lot. There wasn't anything more thrilling than cruising down the highway, skidding into challenging gunfights with Big Brother's soldiers in shoddy coastline housing or laying siege on military bases. Sure it wasn't realistic. But hell, we all played this game so we could be a Rambo with a PhD. Episode One wasn't bad too--a fun time waster, but didn't really do much to extend the lasting impression Half Life 2 left.

 

So then here comes episode two. Sure, the first two incarnations weren't exactly non-linear. They were very linear. But I need some word to distinguish that with exactly how linear episode two is. Suddenly each room is a fucking puzzle. But we're not talking the kind that tickles your brain out of the usual game-playing coma. We're not even talking disguised puzzles that fit into the environment. We're talking about the same god damn puzzles you solved in the first game and episode one. And every room is an excuse to extend "game play" with another one.

 

So I'm in a mine where evidently the miners thought it would be apt to create an obstacle for every exit. Yeah, we're talking the revenge of the broken elevators from hell. Jesus, I can't think of one elevator in episode two that has worked so far. I'll come out strait: I play this game to shoot some evil-ass soldiers in the head. Its that simple. I don't want to throw barrels at zombies, ant-ligers, and all that shit. I don't want to sit around scripted dialogues with Alex telling me how she wants to blow my e-peen because I'm so damn sexy climbing through airducts to get the next fucking elevator working. I want gun down Civil Protection.

 

But I really lost it when it came to this new boss called the "Guardian". Cool sounding name right? Guess what, it's the exact same thing as an ant guard, only it glows. Oh shiny! And there's another exception to. When you first meet it evidently it can't die. For some reason the Vortigon you're with tells you not to kill it. But when that fucking thing is charging at me, do you think I have a death wish? No I'm going to fucking unload...

 

But that's not in the script. In fact the Valve hand of God came down and swatted my bullets out of the air as they left my gun. I was completely out of ammo. So I go through the whole on-rails scene of pulse-pounding running away. Wow that was a blast! Then I fix another elevator and move onto the next level. Did I mention this whole time my Vortigon ally stuck behind, sitting on that damn broken elevator while I did all the work? Get used to it, because that's about all he fucking does.

 

However thats not the end of the Guardian. We're finally outside. I've fixed all the elevators and in this valley the comes charging through a boarded up mine shaft along with a second ant-liger guard. So now for undisclosed gay-ass reasons, the Vortigon is occupied and Alex can't help out. Taking out the first ant guard isn't a problem so much--just like the previous games.

 

The problem is the guardian.

 

Who takes all my ammo, recently stocked up.

 

And all the explosive barrels in the area.

 

And about three dozen head-long crashes into a cliff-side to kill on hard.

 

That's what I absolutely can't stand in first person shooters like this. I'm having a great time duking it out with foot soldiers and suddenly that's not enough. Instead of having a mildly tactical game, they throw some "unstoppable, epic" monster at you. I can't understate it enough, this boss took forever to kill on hard. And it wasn't a challenge--it was an exercise in side-stepping in front of a rock.

 

And after this do I get a pat on the back? No. I'm at 20 health, no ammo, and I get another fucking elevator to fix while I get to dodge scripted boulders coming off the cliff side for no apparent reason. I fix the damn thing and do I finally get to have some fun?

 

No, Valve expects to win me over with some flattery about how manly I am and then flat out orders me to go solve more puzzles now that I've polished off a boss.

 

The conversation is as follows:

 

Vortigon: "The Freeman is very attractive / charismatic / intelligent for killing that Guardian. I mean that motherfucker must have had ten times the hit points a regular guard has! Sorry we were both otherwise occupied--now go fetch the car over yonder. Get to it!"

 

Alex: "I want to blow you Gordon."

 

Gordon: "Wow that was fucking persuasive guys. And let me guess, you guys are going to be completely useless yet again. Awesome. Fuck this."

[Sotha]

-Ouch!

 

I need to think twice before buying that one.

 

I must say your text was nice and entertaining to read though.

[squill]

hmm.. what did you get for breakfast

[Macsen]

I really enjoyed Episode II, thought it was the best one so, and by, far.

 

Ther battle at the end is very epic.

[Subjective Effect]

I loved it too. The Vortis kick ass all the time with thier electric attacks though.

 

And the antilion guard isn't THAT hard to beat on hard. And when I played it there were 2 of them! It's a challenge and I didn't waste all my ammo. There was stuff to gravgun into its face.

[Rabid_Kiwi]

lol havnt played it, I think I'll steer even further from it now

[SneaksieDave]

Valve: We've Already Secured Our Fanbois; It's Not About Quality Anymore

[Macsen]

Valve: We've Already Secured Our Fanbois; It's Not About Quality Anymore

I don't think that's true at all. Despite the evils of steam, Valve still make some of the best games out there. Linear, yes, shoot 'em ups, indeed, but still the best despite this. And Half-Life aside, Portal is genius.

[Unstoppable]

Isn't it obvious that playing on hard is supposed to be hard. You're supposed to get your ass kicked which evidently you did. If you're going to whine about it just switch to normal, that's how I beat it and I had a blast.

[Ratty]

Everyone says Episode 2 is the best one so far. I don't know if I agree. There were some great moments but I thought most of it was tedious. I really hated going through the mines. It was sooo boring and took up so much of the game. The ending was very difficult if you wanted that achievement. I managed to do it finally after sitting on it for about a month. I didn't like the new nerf ball things. I wish they would have set it up so we could use rockets. You hardly use rockets at all in Episode 2. The nerf balls were just a hokey excuse to force you to get close to the striders.

[Mr Retarded]

You want to use rockets? Pull up the console, type in a couple of cheat codes and away you go.