Correct Lyrics

[SeriousToni]

As this one of my favourite english forums, I wanted to ask if there's some interest on correcting my lyrics for my first song (as you know my english is not the best)

 

So here it is - let's see what's okay and whats wrong:

 

I'm lying in my bed, but I don't sleep.

I think about the thing, which makes me weep.

No matter where I run or I may hide,

it stays right here with me - right by my side.

 

The night is passing by as I lie here.

I'm missing more and more what I revere.

Can't fall asleep, can't dream of better days.

Cause deep inside of me you set a blaze.

 

Oh,

I feel it glow.

And it hurts,

cause it burns.

 

Oh,

I don't know

if you will dowse the flame

or if it's just a game (to you).

 

The sun is rising high up from the ground.

There're many friendly people all around.

But no one really knows what's killing me.

A poor one longing for you I'm gonna be.

 

No one here can look into my world.

No one here can see that I am hurt.

And only you could get me outta here.

Cause you're my last resource, we both cohere.

 

Oh,

don't you go.

Just stay here.

I'm all in fear.

 

That you might stay

away of me.

If I want too much of you.

But yes I do...

[demagogue]

As far as grammar goes it's written quite well.

I might say "I'm lying in my bed, but I can't sleep", but "don't" isn't wrong.

And this needs fixing: "That you might stay / away from me."

That's about all I could find.

As for cadence you might substitute a few words for a better flow, but that's way beyond grammar into how you want it to sound, we'd need to hear the music, and anyway you shouldn't worry about it for your first English song.

Sounds like a good song; congrats.

[aidakeeley]

You shouldn't worry about it at all, IMO.

 

There is charm is to be found in "poetic license" or call it what you may. Seriously.

[SeriousToni]

Okay that's cool - thanks a lot you two!

All I need is a good singer, because I can't myself. I only got the song and the text done.

 

It's a quite nice song about a girl who kept me in suspense all the time and I was never sure if I should expose her my feelings, so I wrote this text and later there came the melodie with guitar, then the drum computer and now it's nearly a full song (if I could sing )

 

So if you are interested to listen, I attached a little part of the song for you so that the file is not too big:

 

www.ich-guck-mal.de/garbage/sarah3aPART.mp3

Edited July 9, 2010 by SeriousToni